Choose the Relationship with Yourself First
When you love yourself you find yourself.
I’ve waited a long time to be chosen. I thought that was the goal- for someone else, who didn’t have to, to see your worth and to choose you, to love you, to stay with you. I don’t know when it started, but I’ve waited most of my life for someone to see that thing in me they wanted to stay for.
Since the times when I put my sisters in front of me so I could protect them from why they fought, I’d wait by the swinging door, ear pressed against the cold white wood, only to tell them we were alright, and there was nothing to worry about. There was buy I didn’t want them to worry. Or maybe it was being told how intense I was all the time had me thinking if I just didn’t ask for what I wanted or needed, that maybe if I wasn’t too much of a nuisance, maybe then they’d decide to stay.
Then there were my babies. Four of them. I never once thought a man would stay because there was a baby, because I knew I would be able to handle motherhood on my own if they stayed or not.
Husbands and relationships have come and gone, or men half-way show up and drop out just as quickly as they showed up. I finally got real with myself in the last year or so during the pandemic and realized I had been selling myself short for most of my life.
I had been married a few years when things started to get really bad with my now ex-husband. My oldest son was around 13 years old and asked me why I didn’t leave my abusive (now ex) husband. I realized I was giving my girls and boys a terrible example of what a relationship looks like. I was worth exponentially more than the shreds of a life I’d accepted, all in hopes that I’d finally be chosen if I just gave enough of myself to my kids, my husband, and this life I thought we were doing together. If I didn’t choose myself, then nothing NOTHING else mattered. What good was I to my kids if I didn’t see my worth and make that decision to leave rather than keep us in such an unhealthy life? Could I really be the best mother if I was willing to lose myself completely?
Throughout my life, I’ve noticed the outward pressure society puts on us is partnership, marriage, choosing and being chosen. That’s when you know you’ve made it. It starts so young; friendships are suddenly not enough and the pressure to have a boyfriend/girlfriend starts. It seems like it never stops until you get that relationship secured. And if you don’t have one? Something must be wrong with you. But what if what’s wrong is that there is this pressure to prioritize romantic love over all the other loves? What if we are mentally and emotionally stuck in the time when women depended on a man for her survival, to own land or inherit money? Do people even really know the history of marriage? I think about that a lot. It wasn’t that long ago that women couldn’t even control her own money. The pressure is still there to find a partner, that someone who chooses you. It feels apparent that when you find a partner, that you’ve made it in society, and that every one else will know you’re valuable and worthy.
But who are you if you don’t prioritize finding a partner? Who are you if you say no to the pressures to be in a relationship to give you a place in society? Who are you if you finally choose yourself first instead of the constant pressure to be chosen by someone else?
You get to be yourself. That’s it. You can just be a person without a relationship title tied to you. You get to finally see that you get to choose yourself first and always and every single time. Even within a relationship, this is the only option because not choosing yourself leads to losing your way from who you are. It leads to trying to negotiate yourself into someone’s heart, hoping they’ll finally see you, and overlooking the red flags or that gut feeling when something isn’t right. That worthiness comes from within and has to start there. With this realization comes understanding that you are worthy, valuable, lovable, and whole with or without a relationship. When you accept this, the striving can stop. You can simply be. Existing. Loving. Living. Realizing this becomes a deep knowing that you are valuable and lovable and worthy no matter what.
This isn’t to say you shouldn’t want a relationship, or that you shouldn’t want to be in love or that there’s anything wrong with feeling happy with someone. The issue is when you think someone else will do for us what we should be doing for yourself. The things you seek from others is a guide to what you need to give yourself. When I want attention, I give myself attention in whatever form I’d like to receive from someone else.
Give yourself all the things you want from someone else. Know yourself well. Invest in yourself, the hobbies that bring you joy, take yourself on dates, get comfortable being alone. Feel your feelings and get solid on your own two feet.
It wasn’t that long ago I was still wanting to be chosen and that would be my sign to choose them back fully. It was as though this was confirmation that this person was right for me. Thankfully I was able to come around and learn that’s not the way, at least not for me. Loving myself unconditionally and with full acceptance of who I am has opened me up to
How do I expect someone to choose me, if I never choose me?
