Take the pictures…
It was the kids weekend with me, and like always I had so much to do. I have a graduation party for my oldest son coming in two weeks, Amaija’s birthday in a week, yard work, house work, cooking, blah blah blah… Anja was begging me to go on a bike ride, but she wanted to go alone with me, and while I understand wanting that time together, I kept explaining I can’t leave out a sibling just because she doesn’t want them to go, how leaving them out to just wait at home would make them feel so bad. The trail brought us around this lake and they wanted to go on the dock so as much as I just wanted to get home to keep getting stuff done, we pulled over and I just sat on the dock watching them show each other rocks, Calvin trying to teach Anja how to skip rocks and then, since it was just so pretty out, I thought I’d take some pictures.
The whole time I’m thinking, smile, don’t smile…when you do that, your eyes have so many lines or the circles, so I said let’s turn this way (better lighting?). And yet, nothing helped. My eyes are just struggling right now with everything and I was given deep set eyes so sometimes there’s just not much I can do. The kids went off to keep playing and I looked at the pics.
That’s when I thought I should just delete them all, as much as I want picture of us together.
Look, their faces are so flawless, I mean just look at them!! And then me, yikes. I’ve been stressed and exhausted and it shows.
Even with all the sleep I think I got, working out and being mindful, some things just don’t make enough of a difference. But this is real life {single} motherhood — the exhaustion, the not enough sleep, the stress of doing it all, going going going constantly for my four kids, never sure the money will stretch far enough.
And then, I remembered this article I read where the mother had passed away. Her children were going through her photos for the funeral and just remembering their mom and their life they had with her. They absolutely loved all the photos of their mother from their childhood, and simply thought she was beautiful. They reminisced and talked about their beautiful mom. It’s hard to believe that kids don’t see the exhaustion or the dark circles. They just see their mom, her love for them, knowing she’s always there, her smile, and a lifetime of memories.
It often feels like this life raising my kids on my own, with one income is just too much. There are days I want to quit, just throw in the towel when I feel inadequate and that I’m just not living up to what I want to be as a mom. I want to offer my kids so much more, but I also want them to be sweet humble, kind people and I think that is so important and so that definitely outweighs my desire to give them more. It’s easy to keep going in the name of things to do and get done, but the truth is the cleaning will be there, the laundry will be there, the oven will still work when you get back to do the cooking, the bathtub will work when you get to it to bathe the kids and life will go on. Those things will always be there. Taking the time to go do something with your kids, as inconvenient as it is at times, is worth it.
The joy this bike ride together gave us all was worth it, even if it meant a 8:30 pm dinner & later bedtimes, and led to super tired kids in the morning. It gave me a much needed break from ‘work’ and was so perfect (minus the gnats at sunset!)
I didn’t delete the pictures. I want them to have a favorite picture of me when they are older and to have pictures to show their kids while telling them stories about their childhood.
So TAKE THE PICTURES. Have people take a picture of you doing normal things when you’re not looking, with or without your kids. Keep them. Post them. Normalize normal moments even as, especially as, your kids get older. It’s not picture day every day. There are more days where we are just living life than days that we are “photo ready.” Those are the days when the real memories are made.
Originally posted on “Girl on a Glorious Journey” by Elsa M. Carlson.
