Perfection is Unattainable
How radical self-acceptance is the key to real growth
It’s easy to have a running list of the things you’d like to change about yourself. Whether it’s a physical feature or the way you’re always late or how you overthink everything, it’s easy to keep wishing yourself to be different.
While change isn’t bad and we can decide to work on the things that bother us the most, how do we decide what’s worth working on? Do we want to change something because it’s truly impacting our quality of life so change is a personal decision, or is it because we think we’ll be more accepted or loved by someone else if these things were different? And are we working on things for ourselves or to fit a certain aesthetic based on what society tells us we should or shouldn’t be?
I’ve always had these thoughts. For a long time these thoughts were intrusive until one day I realized that unless I did something very different, it would never end.
Not only did I have to get real with the fact that I was letting myself be incredibly perfectionistic, I also had to change my thoughts around these things. My body has been a source of this for as long as I can remember. Then coming out of an abusive relationship, I was constantly working on myself. I thought who I was was unloveable, too much, that my anxious tendencies were exhausting even when I didn’t openly share about it. The day I realized there would always be something I want to work on and therefore I could just accept this about myself as a whole was the day I found a lot more peace of mind.
Letting go and going deep on radical self-acceptance has been the main difference in getting to where I am. I’m still working on it every damn day and I have to write each morning to set the tone for my day and also at night to tell myself what I did well and what I appreciated from my day.
What is Radical Self-Acceptance and how can we do it?
Radical self-acceptance is taking a really good look at ourselves and being able to notice things about ourselves as they are, and let go of judgment, being truthful with what is real, and doing it without resistance. This isn’t the same as complacency or being okay with what is; it’s understanding that sometimes some things can’t be changed right now, and we can begin to look at our own role in how we got to where we are. Without self-acceptance, suffering continues.
The more we focus on parts of ourselves we don’t like or don’t accept, the more the suffering grows. We focus so hard on those things that it can become nearly impossible to just live without that thing weighing us down. These thoughts can make us feel like there’s something really wrong with us.
There is freedom in accepting what is real, whether we like it or not. We’re constantly inundated with offers to join gyms, fitness memberships, for treatments and supplements to improve this or that part of our bodies. At times I fall into the trap of wanting to try something to smooth and tighten my tummy that was the home for four babies and it’s almost like I get entranced by the potential improvement I can’t seem to achieve just through diet and exercise that I’m willing to try anything. But at what point am I ever going to be truly satisfied with any result? The answer is probably never. I believe that if I’m going to find peace with this part of me, I need to practice my own advice of radical self-acceptance in regards to the physical parts of me that I hold the most disdain for. I can accept what is and still want to work on this aspect of me.
When we offer ourselves radical self-acceptance, it won’t feel like defeat. It feels like a sense of peace and calm, one that doesn’t wear us down and feel like the thing we are accepting is impossible to accept. Thinking about the things we like about ourselves and giving those things attention and acceptance can help when things come up that we don’t like or accept about ourselves. Practice the same acceptance for both positive and negative things.
Celebrate yourself, give yourself a ton of compassion and grace, and let things flow as they do without beating yourself up when you have a set back. This is an opportunity to look at what happened, how you want to do better next time and just flow with it. Feel your feelings as you work on accepting all of you and let go of the urge to resist what comes up.
Shifting the focus from the negative to the positive is hard, but it’s worth it. What we focus on will grow. Accepting what is real is the start to making the biggest change which is when self-love can really begin. Perfection is impossible and a trap our society wants us to believe is possible. Pushing back on what we dislike, resisting the urge to be perfect, and real acceptance is the greatest gift we can give ourselves.
