I’m Not Afraid of Death

I can’t be afraid of death when I’ve had to let versions of me die in order to be reborn

I’ve lived a thousand lives and died as many deaths, forced to recreate my life and who I am with the shifting and changing that happens as we go.

I reincarnate as another version of me; same body, same face, same name, another me. There’s been little time to mourn between life, death and rebirth, often finding myself missing versions of who I was before- before another baby, another man- especially those who came without good intentions. Before I was anyone’s mother, I wonder who I would have been. There are versions of me that never were and never will be, existing like ghosts, shadows of possibilities, and I imagine her wild and free.

I’m not afraid of death because I don’t think it’s the end. And I surprise people when they hear pieces of my story. They call it resilient, overcoming adversity, vulnerable and strong to share stories that brought me to my knees. The parts they miss are the bloodied fingers, raw from pulling myself up along the craggy edges of the little bits of life left in me, hopeful the threads will be woven into a warm blanket covering me when I emerge.

I flirted with death, fantasizing of what it would be like to be free of the pain he wanted me to feel when he tore me down. Convinced I was the common denominator and for that reason, I should go, I realized because I WAS the common denominator, I had to stay. Reinvention is a gift, a possibility, surprising and shocking the ones that thought maybe that would be the thing that I couldn’t handle.

I let versions of me die, keeping and guarding the parts I loved. I let old beliefs about who I was die. I put energy into what I want to grow, drawing boundaries and protecting what I’ve created so I can continue living this one precious life without having to restart life over and over.

I’m not afraid of death, but I want to keep living fully and with intention, and to have a life I don’t have to mourn. Reinvention is one thing I think we can do at any time, but I’m tired of reincarnation; of starting over and over and over, with deja vu visiting me in dreams, trying to remember in which life that happened. The shadows of possibility inspire me to live in a way so that I live intentionally and fully.

They say we’re given the same problems, challenges and troubles until we have fully learned the lessons we’re supposed to learn. I think I’ve finally learned the lessons I needed to learn and I’m hopeful that my next death will be my last; an old lady full of stories of joy, love, and a life well-lived.