Single Moms Do Not Need Saving

Recently a friend and I realized the same guy from high school had contacted us both via Facebook messenger. Neither of us were friends with him or shared mutual friends. It was almost as though he scrolled through his friends list and just started messaging women he thought might be single. I wasn’t having any of it and felt really put off by a lot of things he said. My friend gave him a chance. She thought he was real even though they had nothing in common, completely different life goals, and she was trying to be open minded. Neither of us felt good about this experience and yet, there have been other men who think somehow we are just waiting around for someone to come along, like Rapunzel in her tower.

Here’s the thing: a strong single mom does not want or need to be saved. Even if she is living check to check, she doesn’t need you. Even if she wants a relationship, she will likely not put up with less than she deserves and please don’t think she doesn’t have options or that she’s starved for dates. There are lots of men who will date a single mom. Men with or without children date us. Men with advanced degrees, professionals, business owners, men with regular jobs, whatever, date us. And of course, the ones who think they’ll use us because they think we’ll settle. A strong single mom, just like a single woman without children, will always have those men who try to take advantage of her, but when kids are involved and you’ve been through some serious shit, your tolerance is much, much lower. And, we know what it feels like to put up with less than we deserve.

Single moms are not some kind of family in a box, some pre-fabricated family waiting for a man to find them, swoop in and suddenly just have this family. We don’t always want more kids and we certainly are not looking for a father for our children, so if you think because we are doing this on our own, think again. Our family is not incomplete.

We are not here to be claimed, bought or consumed, or to make us think we are not alright as we are. We are not damsels in distress, with a man-less life living in chaos.

Do not come to us, perfect strangers, seeking to create a connection by dropping me a DM, ignoring boundaries or the simple knowledge a relationship would not work. If you’re dropping in my DMs, likely you’re doing the same to other women. With zero standards, you just troll dating apps or social media, dropping lame attempts to start a conversation, to try to convince a woman to talk to you, knowing there are probably fundamental differences or distance or whatever. Do you think she’s going to uproot her kids and move for you? With parenting time moving more and more towards splitting time equally between both parents, gone are the days moms can just pack up and move.

What we do have is an awareness of what type of relationship we left before becoming a single woman with kids. We have built a life for ourselves and our kids that is peaceful, has more stability than before, we are likely driven to do better, make more money, and to give our kids the best life. We have huge goals, enjoy our independence and celebrate everything we have accomplished. We have reclaimed our magic and will not lose it again.

So while we may be perfectly happy being single, I’ve noticed a lot of my single mom friends are also open to finding a meaningful relationship, if and when it happens. Since this is the case, I have some tips for someone trying to date a single mom.

• Don’t be overly or ridiculously persistent. No means no. Why would you want to date a woman you had to break down and convince to give you a chance?
• Don’t mess with our peace. Don’t cause stress in our lives. Don’t over complicate things.
• Financially, we are okay, even if we count the days until payday. We have probably relied on a man at one point in our lives or in some way, and we don’t want that again and we won’t do that again.
• If we are done having kids, don’t try to change our minds about having your baby to make your dream of being a father a reality. Just because we have kids doesn’t mean we would want more and pushing the issue isn’t okay.
• If you’re goal is to get married and have kids, at least be authentic and go about it the right way. Be clear about your goals. Have some standards, get outside and meet someone organically. Don’t scroll through social media trying to find someone who might fall for your “hey beautiful” opener.
• If you’re almost 40 or more, why aren’t you married already if that is what you want? If you have several failed relationships maybe you’re the issue or how you’re going about it is the issue. Deal with this stuff before pursuing someone.
• If you have met someone, ask her when she’s available to get out and then remember what she’s told you. Plan a fun date or at least pick a great restaurant because she’s probably hired a sitter or she is giving you some of her precious, limited free time. There’s nothing worse than paying a sitter $15/hour or more to have a poorly planned night out. That doesn’t say to a woman that you value and understand what she has to do to make this work.

We know dating can be hard when you’re a single mom. Our time is limited and we know it requires patience, but if you really intend to date us, know we have big hearts, we’ve probably been hurt so we are going to be cautious, we want it to be enjoyable and if we meet someone that we want more time with, we will make it work. Just be authentic and don’t waste our time.