You Know What You Need.

What other people do is not about you. There will always be people who will flip the narrative and try to make what they do about you, but it’s never the case.

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

I recently ended a five-month long distance relationship with a man who lived in Chicago. We matched on Tinder when he was here for work, and met when he was back a few weeks later. Things went well from the start and I think that I can generally see most red flags from a mile away, so while I ended up ignoring some things, I also didn’t really see anything serious to be concerned about. The distance and time between seeing one another felt like a good pace that forced us to slow down, we worked on our connection between visits and enjoyed as much time together as we could when he was here. Because of the distance and time, I didn’t become consumed by my feelings for him and it felt like it was just really solid, steady and we had great communication. At some point a couple months in, I just had this feeling that things he was saying didn’t add up or make sense. We were sitting on my couch, and before I could stop myself, I asked, “Are you sure you’re actually divorced?” He assured me he was. After that I definitely started paying more attention. Things started feeling weird and like they just did not make sense. It wasn’t long before I started to disconnect emotionally from him little by little. By November I was questioning if this was what I wanted, by December I was struggling to make sense of things and he was becoming distant as well, while also assuring me he knew for sure he didn’t want to lose me and he was committed to us. It was ultimately a very confusing time. I knew I had to end it because when I really looked at it, it wasn’t what I wanted. And when I did, it seemed so straight forward, but I was left with so many unanswered questions. After a few drinks one weekend after ending it with him, a girl friend and I did some digging and found his wife. Yes, his WIFE.

Within seconds, he had blocked me on Instagram even though I’d already unfollowed him and he has a private account so it’s not like I could see anything anyway. His wife’s Pinterest account was gone and my last text wouldn’t go through. By all accounts, he disappeared.

Now, in the past I would have wanted to know how he could have done this to me, or how he could be such a liar for so long, or if he had any remorse for what he had done. I would have wanted answers or to try and understand what I did wrong. In other words, I might have become all but consumed by this bullshit relationship. But because of the early doubt and questioning I started feeling, I stayed steady with myself and with the things that I always do- working out, yoga, my little obsession with my plants, painting, and finding other things to do. I also entered into it telling myself I would do it as long as it was what I wanted and as long as it felt good. I guess in a way having a long distance relationship forced me to do that anyway since we weren’t together as often, but I really chose to focus on myself and all the things I enjoy, along with my kids and friends, and it not only protected me, but my love and care for myself truly ended up being the thing that helped keep me from feeling any big aftermath sadness. This wasn’t just a story of me ending a thing with someone I thought I really liked, but it was a reconciling of sorts. What was even true about what I learned about him? Was his name even what he said it was? Did he even do the job he said he did? There were so many unanswered questions and I accepted early on that this was a situation where I would never get closure from him, and that I had to just accept it for what it was; an entire lie. That was the only answer I will ever have.

Regardless of how someone treats you, it’s never about you. You don’t deserve lies of any kind. You deserve the truth every time, even when it’s hard. The trouble with lies is it takes away your right to respond in the way that works for you. They lie so they get what they want, and while you do get to make your own decisions, you’re making decisions based on something that isn’t true so it’s not one you might make with all the information. Lies only benefit the liar. You do better when you know better, and that’s how you know you’re doing what’s right for you. Even when things were really good, I wasn’t sure I wanted this relationship. I was noticing things I didn’t like and I remember my mom saying do YOU want this? Is this good for you? and the truth is, I didn’t. When I ended it, I ended it for me. I had enough information from the last 5 months, the more recent feelings of confusion, and his changed behavior that I was done. All those things I liked in the beginning- slower pace, time and distance to keep things from becoming overwhelming- quickly became what I used to process everything. The thing I liked in the beginning was the thing that allowed me to see what was real, to process and end it for myself. I wasn’t willing to wait and see. There wasn’t enough in it that felt good anymore and hanging onto the good I thought we did have had started to cause me too much distress.

In every relationship, no matter how good or bad, there is something to be learned. I felt good with him, which sounds stupid to say now knowing what I know. It was a grounding, safe relationship…until it wasn’t. I can see it as both now. I can see where I may have overlooked small things, but I also struggle with relationship anxiety at times and c-PTSD from my past marriage, so I tend to be hyper-vigilant and so I was balancing the good stuff I felt with what might have been hyper-vigilance and also wanting to lean into it and show up as fully as I could. I liked being excited to see him after a couple weeks, I enjoyed the dynamics of our relationship in many ways, but there were those other things that did make me take a closer look and pay more attention and ultimately got me to make a decision for myself. I think it’s okay to see and appreciate both sides of what was. At the time, I didn’t know he was a liar so from where I was at that time, I can see the good because that was and is the experience I had. I’m not here to analyze him for the why or how he did that, and I don’t want to. I can only learn for myself moving forward. It may add another layer to how I navigate future relationships, but one thing is for sure, I took away so many good lessons.

1. Always choose yourself. You don’t have to agree that it’s time to end it. If you’re not feeling it, you can end it without any discussion. Chances are you’ve tried asking for what you needed and wanted at least once before you got to this point.
2. Keep your girl friends, keep up with your routines and activities you enjoy. Don’t stop doing things that make you feel good when you get a partner because when things get hard, you won’t have to try and return to those things. Even routines we know feel good can be hard to get back to when times are tough.
3. Trust yourself. There’s usually a good reason your gut got you to the decision you made.
4. Don’t beat yourself up for not knowing better. When you know better you do better (which you do when you end one-sided relationships!)
5. Finally, you may never get closure or an apology, and you have to be okay with that. Accepting them as they are and how things ended gives you freedom you never knew possible. Doing this will save yourself huge amounts of time and energy that can be better spent on things that feel good to your heart. Accept what is and get back to living your life on your terms and don’t spend one more minute giving bad people your energy, even if from afar. You are enough, you are worthy of the truth and you’re whole just as you are.